Family Friendly Jokes

[NectarDetector]

An Arkansas State Trooper clocks a car at 75 mph in a 45 mph zone, so he pulls out and pulls her over.

He walks up to the car, asks for license and registration which she promptly gives him.

The State Trooper asks "Ma'am, why were you going so fast?"

The old lady says "I was speeding because I was on my way to dance at the Arkansas State Troopers annual Ball."

The State Trooper replied "Arkansas State Troopers don't have balls, Ma'am"

As he realized what he just said, he handed her her license back, tipped his hat and promptly walked back to his vehicle and pulled away.

 

[GKL]

That was fast !

Three of the quickest methods of spreading info fast

TELEPHONE

TELEGRAPH

and

TELL A WOMAN

 

[Oldsjunkie]

A couple Indiana boys are fishing on the banks of the Ohio river and catching some nice ones. A Kentuckian is fishing the opposite side of the bank and isn't catching anything at all. The Hoosiers yell across to the Kentuckian "Doing any good over there?". The Kentuckian yells back "Not getting even a bite". The Hoosiers yell back across "We'll shine our flashlight across the river and you can cross over on the beam and join us filling our stringers". The Kentuckian yells back "I know you Hoosiers, you'll just shut your flashlight off when I get halfway across and I'll fall in the river...".

 

[JTW]

This poor guy was driving home on the highway late one night in a downpour when he looses control.
The car starts a nasty spin that tosses it off the road only to come to rest upon a big oak tree.
The guy is shaken of course and can only sit there,thankful he's still alive.
A Trooper drives over,lights a blazing.
He pulls over and goes to check on the man.
"Are you comfortable? The Trooper asks.
The man looks at him and replies.."Well, I make a good living"

 

[Rudy]

The Man Rules​

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down


Finally , the guys' side of the story (I must admit, it's pretty good.
We always hear about “the rules” from the female side.


Now, here are the rules from the male side.

Please note….. These are all numbered "1"

ON PURPOSE!


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1.. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
Or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry,
we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics
as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!


Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
To give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - To give them a bigger laugh.

 

[Grumpy Since 55]

the man rules​

at last a guy has taken the time to write this all down


finally , the guys' side of the story (i must admit, it's pretty good.
We always hear about “the rules” from the female side.


now, here are the rules from the male side.

please note….. These are all numbered "1"

on purpose!


1. Men are not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1.. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. 'yes' and 'no' are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry,
we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. All men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics
as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!


Thank you for reading this. Yes, i know, i have to sleep on the couch tonight;
but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.

that ^^^^^^

 

[Grumpy Since 55]

A man bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

Come morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I've got some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I spent it already," replied the farmer.

"OK then, just unload the donkey."

"What're you gonna do with him?" asked the farmer.

"I'm gonna raffle him off."

"Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!" exclaimed the farmer.

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the guy and asked about what happened with the dead donkey. "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 apiece and made a profit of $898."

"Didn't no one complain?" asked the farmer.

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back."

 

[Rudy]

Larry

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a
couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean
and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is
in perfect order, spotless, clean.

So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices
a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left
early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot
breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table,
eating.

Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious,
broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and
gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and
so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone,
I'm married'!"

 

[NectarDetector]

Good thing he gave the right answer or his other eye would have been black too!

 

[Grumpy Since 55]

Good thing he gave the right answer or his other eye would have been black too!

+1

 

[Rudy]

Good thing he gave the right answer or his other eye would have been black too!

Yes indeed.

 

[Rudy]

A senior citizen was driving down the freeway when his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Charlie, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Charlie, It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

 

[NectarDetector]

I stopped at a lemonade stand and had a drink. I asked the little girl "Why is this cup I drank out of cost more than this bigger cup here?"

She said "Because the cup you used has only been drunk out of twice...."

 

[NectarDetector]

A metal detectorist was hunting near an Indian reservation when he happened upon an old Indian Chief laying on the ground in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the road.

The detectorist asked the old tribesman what he was doing.

The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model Four door sedan, traveling at 65 m.p.h."

"That's amazing" exclaimed the detectorist. "You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground?"

"No," said the old tribesman. "They just ran me over five minutes ago!"

 

[Dig-Dug]

A senior citizen was driving down the freeway when his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Charlie, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Charlie, It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

 

[Dig-Dug]

A metal detectorist was hunting near an Indian reservation when he happened upon an old Indian Chief laying on the ground in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the road.

The detectorist asked the old tribesman what he was doing.

The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model Four door sedan, traveling at 65 m.p.h."

"That's amazing" exclaimed the detectorist. "You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground?"

"No," said the old tribesman. "They just ran me over five minutes ago!"

another good one!

 

[RaylandRat]

Heard this on the radio the other day. Woman says to her husband, who has come to where she worked, "We really worked hard today, you just happened to come in while we were singing and drinking." Hmm, sounded better when I heard it.

 

[GKL]

7 different funnies !

A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people,
94% are too lazy to actually read that number.
______________

A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?”

Lawyer says: “$1,000.00 for 3 questions.”

Man: “Wow - so much! .....Isn’t it a bit expensive?”

Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question?”
_____________

What if dogs fetch the ball back only because they think you really like throwing it?
______________

Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.
_______________

daughter: Daddy did you know that girls are smarter than boys?

father: No, I didn’t know that.

daughter: There you go.
_______________

Q: Is Google male or female?

A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
_______________

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana.

As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.

At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?

Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"

The waitress leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
____________

 

[BottleCapKing]

1. 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

If only this were the case. My wife HATES the fact I answer yes/no questions with a yes/no answer. She wants details. She also doesn't understand that if I ask a yes/no questions, all I want is a yes/no answer. If I need details, I will ask a follow up question.

In my experience, it is one of the great divides between men and women. We answer yes/no questions with yes/no/"I don't understand the question". They will answer a yes/no question with several paragraphs. It boggles the mind.

 

[GKL]

If only this were the case. My wife HATES the fact I answer yes/no questions with a yes/no answer. She wants details. She also doesn't understand that if I ask a yes/no questions, all I want is a yes/no answer. If I need details, I will ask a follow up question.

In my experience, it is one of the great divides between men and women. We answer yes/no questions with yes/no/"I don't understand the question". They will answer a yes/no question with several paragraphs. It boggles the mind.

Actually most of the time my wife does not like it when I go into too much detail, see prefers a basic simple answer and me not saying in ten sentences what I could have said in one sentence