ENDED Funniest joke wins a Merc;Ends Friday, March 11th at 7:00 PM CST

matmit

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RULE #1 Must be clean enough to tell my 15 year-old son, as he is the judge.
RULE #2 One entry per person per day
RULE #3 Contest ends in one week, Friday, March 11th at 7:00 PM CST
RULE #4 If a moderator determines that ANY joke needs deleting, that person is out of the contest.

Let 'em rip!:D
 
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Fishing

Once upon a time long, long ago there was a season when neither the Packers nor the Bears made the post season play-offs. It seemed so unusual that the management of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams, because of their great rivalry.
So, they decided on a week long ice fishing competition. The team that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins. So on a cold northern Wisconsin lake they started fishing. The first day after 8 hours of fishing the Packers had caught 100 fish and the Bears had 0.
At the end of the 2nd day the Packers caught 200 fish and the Bears 0. That evening the Bear's coach got his team together and said, "I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place."
So the next morning he dressed one of his players in green and gold and sent him over to the Packer camp to act as a spy.
At the end of the day he reported to the coach. The coach asked "Well, are they cheating?"

" They sure are!" the player reported.

"They're cutting holes in the ice."
 
A Blonde is driving down the highway when she passes a long line of cars in the breakdown lane. She gets to the end of the line of cars and sees a Brunette jumping up and down. So she pulls the car to the end of the line, gets out, and walks up to the Brunette. The brunette is just jumping up and down saying 41, 41, 41.. over and over. The Blonde says that looks fun, so she starts jumping up and saying 41 as well. just then an 18 wheeler comes by, the Brunette grabs the Blonde, throws her in front of the truck, and wham!!! The Brunette then continues jumping up and down, 42, 42,42.
 
A bear and a rabbit are sitting next to each other in the woods taking a poop.
The bear looks at the rabbit and asks "Hey, do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?" The rabbit simply replies "No". So the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his butt with it. (you can replace "poop" and "butt" for the adult version):lol:
 
A priest, a rabbi, and a horse walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says "what is this some kind of joke?"
 
Two guys pull up to a lumber yard in a truck.

The woman working at the desk inside peers out the window and sees one of the men get out of the truck and enter her office area.

:crazy: Man: "Uhhhhhh we needs sum 4 x 2's "
:darnconfused: Woman: "Don't you mean 2x4's?"
:crazy: Man: "Uhhhhhhhhhh........ hang on ma'am...."

She looks perplexed as she peers at the man, go back to the truck, and is engrossed in conversation with the other man.

He reenters

:crazy: Man: "Uhhhhhhh Yup, boss says 2x4's"
:darnconfused: Woman: "How long do you need them?"
:crazy: Man: "Uhhhhhhhhhhhh hang on....."

Same exit, talks to the boss and reenters the office

:darnconfused: Woman: "So how long?"
:crazy: Man: "We're needing them a long time.....we're building a house."

:dash2:
 
A priest and a Rabbi are sitting on a park bench. Nope, can't tell that one.

Pierre was a famous French fighter pilot. Nope, can't tell that one.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? The p is silent. :)

I'd rather have that Ford, than the Merc. ;)
 
Did you hear about the Packers Fan who picked a 10lb booger?

Before he could eat it, his head collapsed!:laughing:
Mud

(I always liked that one about the bear and the rabbit Bobda!:laughing:)

Hey Matmit...Is Rule #3 your joke on all of us? This contest ended before it got started! None of us had a chance!:laughing:
 
The population of this country is 310 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.


There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.



Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 20 million to do the work.


2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with dealing with terrirists which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.


Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.


At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.


Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the
Work.

You and me.


And there you are stting on your butt at your computer, reading jokes


Nice. Real nice.
 
Sunday morning and the church is full when the front doors come crashing down and satan walks in. Every body runs out the back doors but one old man, he just sits there. Satan walks up to the old man and says, do you know who I am? The old man says yeah I know who you are. Satan ask the old man, aren't you afraid? The old man says afraid of you? heck no I've been living with your sister for 40 years.
 
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping.
They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.”
And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
 
A man and his wife get into a huge argument so he decides to head to the pub and drink a few pints while she cools off.
He runs into some friends and they start celebrating and talking about the good ole' days. Several hours quickly pass and he decides its getting late and he better start heading home.
He goes to get off the bar stool to leave and falls flat on his face. He makes several attempts to get up but cant seem to get on his feet.
He thinks to himself that he must have overdone it this time to be so drunk that he can't even stand. He looks around and luckily no one has noticed his drunken display so he crawls out of the bar where he still can't seem to pull himself together.
He figures heck with it, its only a few blocks to his house so he crawls home and gently slides into bed as not to disturb his sleeping wife.
The next morning he awakes with the feeling of piercing eyes upon him as his wife standing at the foot of the bed with her arms crossed and obviously upset. He mutters out, "Good morning honey" to which she angrily replies "You were out at the pub all night getting drunk, weren't you?"
He quickly rolls over and begins to plead with her, "of course not honey, I wouldn't do that. I was here in bed with you most of the night. Why in the world would you say that?"
She rolls her eyes and replies "Because the pub called, you forgot your wheelchair....Again!"
 
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