maxxkatt
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New type of detector to be announced by Shanghai YoSooWin Electronic Equipment Co a Chinese Ace metal detector knock off supplier.
Disclaimer this is satire and rather long. No cliff notes so stop here if you don’t care for long satire. One of my pieces of satire was reported Minelab by an unnamed detecting forum administrator (not Friendly Metal Detecting).
I have heard about this from a source at the National Crier tabloid newspaper located in Presscott, AZ. From what we can tell the Esposa Emparejar 800 date detector has the unique ability to detect desired qualities in a potential girlfriend or wife. Using our source we able to use one for two weeks last month.
Citing the huge market share survey that found there are 36 dating services with over 96,000,000 users worldwide. A representative for the Chinese Company confirmed that they seek to answer this demand with a small detector that can analyze a potential girl friend or wife and report back on its findings.
The detectors for all practical purposes just like an iphone but has only limited phone abilities. This allows the user to have the detector on or about its person while interfacing the prospective girlfriend or wife. This also a multi-frequency detector.
Using a loaner unit we were able to test this detector in our test garden of female subjects whose ages ranged from 18 to 50. The detector screen appears like any other iPhone app and shows you a meter reading arch from -9 to 99. The exact technologies that the detector is based on is shrouded in secrecy since it is the company’s secret sauce and they don’t publish that information for competitive reasons.
The first thing you do is ground balance the detector by pressing the ground balance button and wiggling the phone from side to side. When you get a steady reading, your unit is ground balanced. This helps offset the effects of perfume, smoke and body oder.
It also has a noise cancelation feature so you can use this detector in a surreptitious manner at a noisy bar. Pressing the noise cancel button while aiming the detector toward your target allows you to effectively block out the detector from picking up signals from other nearby individuals thus not mixing up the returns and invalidating the readings.
You next select one of six frequencies. Male, Female, female-to-male, male-to-female, same sex male, same sex female. You must choose a frequency for best results. If you are not sure you can select the true multi-frequency option where it will scan all frequencies and do its best to figure out what the orientation of that person is that you are scanning.
There is a sensitivity or depth mode setting depending how close you are to your target. We seem to have gotten our best results when parts of our body were six to twelve inches apart.
There is a credit feature that will read the persons credit cards and report to you their credit rating and balances on each credit card.
There is a nifty unmasking feature, you can pretend to take a woman’s photo and it will return two photos, the real photo that you can show her, and an encrypted photo that you can view later that shows her without makeup. We found this to be one of the most frightening features of this detector. We suggest you excuse yourself to go to the rest room to make a decision on to end the date early or not.
The next feature indicated by the Pinocchio labeled button. Press this once and it will start recording her answers to you questions and logging them in the devices RAM memory. Press it again and it will stop the recording. Press it and hold it for 8 seconds and it will replay the questions and answers with a low pitched tone indicating a false answer and a high pitch tone to indicate a truthful answer to the question. In our test we found this to be about 87% accurate.
The next button labeled DL will scan her purse for the driver’s license and read the encoded information including her age, address and driving violations history. On our test subject it embarrassed her, but she said it was 100% accurate. Only works on real driver licenses not fake ones.
To obtain even more accurate answers there are other modes.
The bar mode (standard): You must manual ground balance in the number of drinks she as already consumed. You do this by pressing and holding the ground balance mode for 8 seconds. Next you enter the number of drinks she has consumed and press the ground balance button to return to the main menu. This will ensure more accurate results in the other modes.
End of date mode in car or in front of her door mode: The unit will vibrate lightly in your pocket if it detects that she wants to make out with you. If it vibrates strongly it indicates she wants to ask in for coffee.
Irritability mode: It will log in all of the things that you said that irritated her and her response. -9 to 0 indicates you really upset her with something you said. 1 – 25 indicates a mild negative reaction to what you said. 26 – 50 indicates a neutral reaction. 51 – 75 means a positive reaction and 76 to 100 indicates she agrees with what you said 100% and you are probably soul mates or fraternal twins separated at birth.
Touch reactivity mode: It will also rate her reactions when you touch her. -9 to 0 indicates that she is repulsed by you. 1 – 25 indicates she is not interested in touching. 26 – 50 indicate that she is a little receptive and 51 – 75 that she enjoys your touches and 76 to 100 indicates she wants even more skin to skin contact.
Dinner/drinking mode: Turn this mode on when she is ordering her meal or drinks. It will indicate -9 to 0 if she is ordering something to be polite or above 1 if she is ordering what she truly wants to eat or drink.
Boredom mode: -9 to 1 she is bored out of her mind and just want this date to be over. 1 to 25 indicates she enjoys your company enough to eat your food and drink the drinks you buy for her but won’t accept a second date. 26 – 50 indicates that there is a possibility of a second date. 51 – 75 indicates that she desires a second date but won’t be intimate on the second date. 76 to 100 indicates she wants to go home with you that night.
Gold mode: This is weighted to detect for gold diggers. -9 to 0 indicate a confirmed gold digger only interested in getting married for the money. 1 – 25 – has an immediate need for financial security. 26 – 50 is not overly concerned about your money. 51 -100 has more money than you do.
Iffy signals. As with even the best detectors you will get iffy signals that bounce around. It they move more that 2-3 numbers we suggest you adjust your position in relation to the target. If this causes them to stabilize around a single number or only move by one number, you can assume this is a good reading. Numbers that vary a lot should not be trusted as reliable readings.
Rejects and bad targets.
After about 15 minutes the detector has enough information to indicate a good target or junk target. On the good target a small green pixel will light up in the lower right side of the screen. If it is a rejected target you will see a red pixel light up on the lower left side of your screen. At the same time the detector will vibrate to alert you of its decision.
With the green light or good target indicator you should proceed with the encounter with an open and friendly attitude towards the target. With the red light for a rejected target you should make some excuse and cut your losses and end the date ASAP.
After two weeks of using this detector with an average of 4 dates per week we estimate we saved $370 in wasted food and drink expenses and 17 hours of wasted time.
We also met what we considered two keepers and one fantastic one night stand. During the test several of my buddies saw what this detector will do and made some videos and posted them on Youtube.
Several of them have gotten over 26,000 views in the last two weeks. The National Organization of Weak Women have protested the introduction of this detector into the US and indicate that their congresswomen will call for an immediate investigation.
There is a huge backlog for the Esposa Emparejar 800 according to one of our sources in Florida. Reports that deliveries are scheduled 5-6 months out. The company has no immediate plans for any accessories or upgrades. But one source tells us they will be coming out with a water proof version that will be even good for use when swimming in the ocean and chlorinated swimming pools. Rumored to be on the next firmware upload is a list of divorce attorneys listed by state.
Disclaimer this is satire and rather long. No cliff notes so stop here if you don’t care for long satire. One of my pieces of satire was reported Minelab by an unnamed detecting forum administrator (not Friendly Metal Detecting).
I have heard about this from a source at the National Crier tabloid newspaper located in Presscott, AZ. From what we can tell the Esposa Emparejar 800 date detector has the unique ability to detect desired qualities in a potential girlfriend or wife. Using our source we able to use one for two weeks last month.
Citing the huge market share survey that found there are 36 dating services with over 96,000,000 users worldwide. A representative for the Chinese Company confirmed that they seek to answer this demand with a small detector that can analyze a potential girl friend or wife and report back on its findings.
The detectors for all practical purposes just like an iphone but has only limited phone abilities. This allows the user to have the detector on or about its person while interfacing the prospective girlfriend or wife. This also a multi-frequency detector.
Using a loaner unit we were able to test this detector in our test garden of female subjects whose ages ranged from 18 to 50. The detector screen appears like any other iPhone app and shows you a meter reading arch from -9 to 99. The exact technologies that the detector is based on is shrouded in secrecy since it is the company’s secret sauce and they don’t publish that information for competitive reasons.
The first thing you do is ground balance the detector by pressing the ground balance button and wiggling the phone from side to side. When you get a steady reading, your unit is ground balanced. This helps offset the effects of perfume, smoke and body oder.
It also has a noise cancelation feature so you can use this detector in a surreptitious manner at a noisy bar. Pressing the noise cancel button while aiming the detector toward your target allows you to effectively block out the detector from picking up signals from other nearby individuals thus not mixing up the returns and invalidating the readings.
You next select one of six frequencies. Male, Female, female-to-male, male-to-female, same sex male, same sex female. You must choose a frequency for best results. If you are not sure you can select the true multi-frequency option where it will scan all frequencies and do its best to figure out what the orientation of that person is that you are scanning.
There is a sensitivity or depth mode setting depending how close you are to your target. We seem to have gotten our best results when parts of our body were six to twelve inches apart.
There is a credit feature that will read the persons credit cards and report to you their credit rating and balances on each credit card.
There is a nifty unmasking feature, you can pretend to take a woman’s photo and it will return two photos, the real photo that you can show her, and an encrypted photo that you can view later that shows her without makeup. We found this to be one of the most frightening features of this detector. We suggest you excuse yourself to go to the rest room to make a decision on to end the date early or not.
The next feature indicated by the Pinocchio labeled button. Press this once and it will start recording her answers to you questions and logging them in the devices RAM memory. Press it again and it will stop the recording. Press it and hold it for 8 seconds and it will replay the questions and answers with a low pitched tone indicating a false answer and a high pitch tone to indicate a truthful answer to the question. In our test we found this to be about 87% accurate.
The next button labeled DL will scan her purse for the driver’s license and read the encoded information including her age, address and driving violations history. On our test subject it embarrassed her, but she said it was 100% accurate. Only works on real driver licenses not fake ones.
To obtain even more accurate answers there are other modes.
The bar mode (standard): You must manual ground balance in the number of drinks she as already consumed. You do this by pressing and holding the ground balance mode for 8 seconds. Next you enter the number of drinks she has consumed and press the ground balance button to return to the main menu. This will ensure more accurate results in the other modes.
End of date mode in car or in front of her door mode: The unit will vibrate lightly in your pocket if it detects that she wants to make out with you. If it vibrates strongly it indicates she wants to ask in for coffee.
Irritability mode: It will log in all of the things that you said that irritated her and her response. -9 to 0 indicates you really upset her with something you said. 1 – 25 indicates a mild negative reaction to what you said. 26 – 50 indicates a neutral reaction. 51 – 75 means a positive reaction and 76 to 100 indicates she agrees with what you said 100% and you are probably soul mates or fraternal twins separated at birth.
Touch reactivity mode: It will also rate her reactions when you touch her. -9 to 0 indicates that she is repulsed by you. 1 – 25 indicates she is not interested in touching. 26 – 50 indicate that she is a little receptive and 51 – 75 that she enjoys your touches and 76 to 100 indicates she wants even more skin to skin contact.
Dinner/drinking mode: Turn this mode on when she is ordering her meal or drinks. It will indicate -9 to 0 if she is ordering something to be polite or above 1 if she is ordering what she truly wants to eat or drink.
Boredom mode: -9 to 1 she is bored out of her mind and just want this date to be over. 1 to 25 indicates she enjoys your company enough to eat your food and drink the drinks you buy for her but won’t accept a second date. 26 – 50 indicates that there is a possibility of a second date. 51 – 75 indicates that she desires a second date but won’t be intimate on the second date. 76 to 100 indicates she wants to go home with you that night.
Gold mode: This is weighted to detect for gold diggers. -9 to 0 indicate a confirmed gold digger only interested in getting married for the money. 1 – 25 – has an immediate need for financial security. 26 – 50 is not overly concerned about your money. 51 -100 has more money than you do.
Iffy signals. As with even the best detectors you will get iffy signals that bounce around. It they move more that 2-3 numbers we suggest you adjust your position in relation to the target. If this causes them to stabilize around a single number or only move by one number, you can assume this is a good reading. Numbers that vary a lot should not be trusted as reliable readings.
Rejects and bad targets.
After about 15 minutes the detector has enough information to indicate a good target or junk target. On the good target a small green pixel will light up in the lower right side of the screen. If it is a rejected target you will see a red pixel light up on the lower left side of your screen. At the same time the detector will vibrate to alert you of its decision.
With the green light or good target indicator you should proceed with the encounter with an open and friendly attitude towards the target. With the red light for a rejected target you should make some excuse and cut your losses and end the date ASAP.
After two weeks of using this detector with an average of 4 dates per week we estimate we saved $370 in wasted food and drink expenses and 17 hours of wasted time.
We also met what we considered two keepers and one fantastic one night stand. During the test several of my buddies saw what this detector will do and made some videos and posted them on Youtube.
Several of them have gotten over 26,000 views in the last two weeks. The National Organization of Weak Women have protested the introduction of this detector into the US and indicate that their congresswomen will call for an immediate investigation.
There is a huge backlog for the Esposa Emparejar 800 according to one of our sources in Florida. Reports that deliveries are scheduled 5-6 months out. The company has no immediate plans for any accessories or upgrades. But one source tells us they will be coming out with a water proof version that will be even good for use when swimming in the ocean and chlorinated swimming pools. Rumored to be on the next firmware upload is a list of divorce attorneys listed by state.
