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Going Viral Help

airhead

airhead

Junior Member
Joined
Dec 17, 2016
Messages
94
Location
Stamford, Connecticut
25 years ago I divorced my ex-wife for cheating on me with a guy at her job, and this left my daughter (now33) and my son (now28) without a full time dad.
The EX eventually ended up moving and marrying this guy, no big deal, I'm over her.
However, for years my EX has brain washed my daughter completely and has tried to do the same with my son, but hasn't succeeded, were good buddies and we do a lot together.

Fast forward, to 2010 and my daughter is getting married, and my the EX and my daughter used this as an opportunity to stick it to me, by sitting me and my family in the far back corner of the venue hall, I was not included in any of the arrangements and not included in any pictures. The EX, even used this opportunity to announce her marriage to that guy.
Now 2013 my daughter gives birth to a beautiful little girl, I fell in love with her, but again, I was not included in any of her celebrations.
2015, my persistent showing of affection and love, is starting to break my daughter down and she is starting to include me in matters and celebrations and things were looking good.

New Years Eve 2016 -2017, my son is getting married. My son has included me in a lot of the arrangements and pictures, I could not be happier.
Until my daughter got up in front of 175 people and gave a rather long, but well written speech about her relationship with her brother and mother. It was very nice, however, she did not say thing about my relationship with my son, and all the great times we shared.......BUT she included my EX's new husband and called him the step father. Again no mention of me, which made me feel about 1 inch tall in the hall.

The next day I did send my daughter a text, express my sadness about what she did, and said that I don't think I can keep putting myself out there, only to be sh*t on again and again.

Needless to say, I have not heard back from her, and now my son will not answer my calls or texts.

Please can I hear your feeling on this situation, good and bad.

Thank for taking the time to read this.
Airhead
 
All you can do is keep trying and take care of YOU.

People are insensitive, and one day brother they WILL regret the omissions and missed opportunities with Dad.

You know, we love our children unconditionally, but that doesn't mean we have to allow ourselves to be hurt and abused repeatedly.

As tough as it may be to realize this, Dad... your work raising them is done. They're young adults now and will go out and make their mistakes and realizations just like we have.

I know none of that relieves the pain you feel inside, but for yourself, you have to do your best to forgive them for they know not what they do.

Unfortunately it may take you no longer being here for them to realize just how much of an opportunity they have missed.

As humans we rarely appreciate what we have, until it is gone...

Let them know that they can always contact you and that you'll always be there for them, but give them their space and let them make their mistakes, as hard as it is for you to do.

I hope they mature before it's too late, but as I said, all you can do is take care of YOU now.
 
Sounds like you were breaking through to her a little. Tough situation, maybe instead of pouring out how you feel to your daughter, who seems to use this against you (your son)...try a medium to get the relief you need like a therapist, not for help really but just to release your feelings? Or doing it here could probably help too...it does me.

I would think you need to stay there for your daughter, just don't put yourself in a situation to be hurt (that's very hard to do). Like they say, bit once bad on her...bit twice bad on you. I bet she feels guilt, but her step dad can never replace you no matter how hard he or she tries. You do right by that new baby when given the chance and she'll come around. You have to protect yourself and your sanity though first!

Also, right now try and keep your relationship between your kids, between them and you separately. You and her, and just you and him. If they try to combine them all then what they do is between them, not you and both of them. They obviously each have different experiences with you, so I'd keep those each apart till maybe she is of maturity enough to see through the ex's junk and see who you are for herself.

Just ideas to think over along with others to figure out what will work best for you. Thinking about you, brother!
 
And thank you Novice, I did forget to mention, I did seek professional help years back with my daughter, didn't help.
I am taking all this in, and love ready what others think and feel.
Thank you as well for taking the time.
 
airhead said:
And thank you Novice, I did forget to mention, I did seek professional help years back with my daughter, didn't help.
I am taking all this in, and love ready what others think and feel.
Thank you as well for taking the time.
Click to expand...

With your daughter?...or about situation (regarding your daughter)? Just for clarification...?

Also, and I know this is going to hurt to hear...but she seems to partly at least be doing these things intentionally with you there. Maybe she gets a little kick out of driving the barbs deeper, who knows but that is why you have to look after YOURSELF and take care of yourself even that much more however you can do that.

And one last observation (you don't have to answer this except for yourself), but when you sent her that text...was that a closing for you, or were you expecting (prying for) a response (because of anger, fear, revenge)? Search what your motivation was and you'll have your answer on whether you want this or not. Many times the answers lay within ourselves by introspect of our motivations. It's not easy to do or see sometimes, but truly sheds light on ourselves and what we want and helps us grow. Prayers, brother!

And just general advice...nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes and we're designed to make them...we're human! Learn to forgive yourself for making mistakes and know you will make more - you were designed to make mistakes. You aren't perfect and never were meant to be, neither is anyone else. Do the best you can to keep your side of the street clean, and don't worry about what the other side of the street looks like or trying to control it. It'll drive you nuts!
 
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I'd be careful when sending text as well. If I were in your shoes I would try to meet with both of them in person at thier convenience even if you just happen to pass them on the street or coffee shop or whatever. (Just don't come across as a stalker waiting outside their homes for them to come out the door in the morning) With a text message a simple "Why did you not mention me :(" may just as easily come across as "Why did you not mention me :mad:" And they may take the intent out of context and avoid responding. I agree with what everyone else said as well. They may just need a cooling off time for reasons only they know at the time. You're an adult and so are they, a relationship is a 2 way street that both sides need to work at. Hope it works out, I'm sure after a little time and you letting them know you are still there even if it's just by sending birthday, holiday cards etc or the occasional phone call to wish them well, they will come around. If they refuse to answer or talk don't force anything or it will just create more hosilty from them and won't help either party involved.

FYI, I'm not a relationship specialist, don't play one on tv and haven't stayed in a Holiday Inn Epress for years. Just offering my own 2 cents.
 
T-Man, thank you, these first 3 responses seem to hit home, each in there own individual ways. Yours picked up on the text messages, which was one of the last things I was hoping to hear about, I think I screw that part up big time.
And thanks for making laugh.

Thanks again, this is great therapy :yes:
 
airhead said:
T-Man, thank you, these first 3 responses seem to hit home, each in there own individual ways. Yours picked up on the text messages, which was one of the last things I was hoping to hear about, I think I screw that part up big time.
And thanks for making laugh.

Thanks again, this is great therapy :yes:
Click to expand...

Learned the hard way about texts and emails with my wife. She asked me to pick up a few pizzas on the way home one time. I was joking in my email when I said it would make her a$$ look fat. Even with the :) added she didn't find the humor in it. At least I had a comfy couch at home at that time...
 
My background: I was divorced 35 years ago when my wife ran off with another. I ended up with full custody of my 7 year old daughter.

My advise would have been not to send her the text.

Think real hard before putting yourself in a situation that they can humiliate you in front of others. Close the door on this chapter and go on as though nothing happened. This is the unconditional love that we have for our children.

As close as my daughter and I are we have had our problems also. I could have made an issue out of it at the time but chose not too. In the long run as difficult as it was for this Irishman, I kept my mouth shut. In the long run it was the best thing I could have done.

Never text a message in anger it will bite you in the butt!!!
 
airhead said:
However, for years my EX has brain washed my daughter completely and has tried to do the same with my son, but hasn't succeeded, were good buddies and we do a lot together.

Needless to say, I have not heard back from her, and now my son will not answer my calls or texts.

Airhead
Click to expand...

I'm sorry that turned out that way, it's sad that the EX who did you wrong, also turned your daughter against you.

No matter what else happens you need to forgive all involved, which is needful for YOUR emotional health, as any bitterness will only affect your health. (I'm not saying you are bitter, but just saying just in case)

You can take some solace in knowing that your daughter was turned against you by your EX and it was not something she did without outside influence.

I'm puzzled as to why your son won't communicate with you, he seemed to have a clear understanding that you were not the bad guy in your EX leaving.

This is just a suggestion, but you might consider writing a heartfelt letter to your daughter explaining YOUR side of how her mom left you and to give you a chance to respond to whatever your EX said to her to make her feel this way.

Maybe write a letter to your son too to see why he stopped communicating.

Just be very careful in how you word things in the letters so it can't be misunderstood as being bitter, but just as trying to give your side of things.

Sometimes speaking in person or on the phone in such a situation can be hard to get your meaning across as they will feel on the defensive and could be too emotional, whereas if they read a letter from you it can be done without feeling on the spot as it would be in a face to face.

They need to hear your side of things in a "matter of fact" way and not be perceived as simply trying to make your EX look bad, and a letter properly worded might accomplish that.

Even then it might take a while for your words to have any effect, but at least you will know they have the whole story and not just the EX's side of things.

No matter what, stay positive for the sake of your own health as negative emotions can affect your health.
 
Lifemember said:
My background: I was divorced 35 years ago when my wife ran off with another. I ended up with full custody of my 7 year old daughter.

My advise would have been not to send her the text.

Think real hard before putting yourself in a situation that they can humiliate you in front of others. Close the door on this chapter and go on as though nothing happened. This is the unconditional love that we have for our children.

As close as my daughter and I are we have had our problems also. I could have made an issue out of it at the time but chose not too. In the long run as difficult as it was for this Irishman, I kept my mouth shut. In the long run it was the best thing I could have done.

Never text a message in anger it will bite you in the butt!!!
Click to expand...

Thanks and yes, I'm learning the hard way.
 
GKL, first let me say thanks, I have said it before and I'll say it again. Each and everyone of you has hit on key points and have offered up advice that I have already thought of.
This is GOOD, as it shows and validates that my thinking is grasping the situations and what I feel I should do to "try" and rectify the situation, is rather spot on for lack of better words, this is what I need. With my heart hurting and my mind spinning, I need validation to my thoughts, and it helps me organize and plan a course of action, without just flying off the handle again and doing double the harm.

You asked
I'm puzzled as to why your son won't communicate with you
Click to expand...

You saw that; well my daughter showed my son the text I sent her, and the only thing he communicated to me via text is; "Dad, Im getting ready to leave on my honeymoon, and I have to see this from Rosa, your only daughter. I am at a loss for words" ..... " MAYBE we'll talk sometime" :shock:

I know the text shouldn't have been sent (my bad) but giving he is getting ready to leave on his honeymoon. Why couldn't have my daughter waited?
 
airhead said:
GKL, first let me say thanks, I have said it before and I'll say it again. Each and everyone of you has hit on key points and have offered up advice that I have already thought of.
This is GOOD, as it shows and validates that my thinking is grasping the situations and what I feel I should do to "try" and rectify the situation, is rather spot on for lack of better words, this is what I need. With my heart hurting and my mind spinning, I need validation to my thoughts, and it helps me organize and plan a course of action, without just flying off the handle again and doing double the harm.

You asked


You saw that; well my daughter showed my son the text I sent her, and the only thing he communicated to me via text is; "Dad, Im getting ready to leave on my honeymoon, and I have to see this from Rosa, your only daughter. I am at a loss for words" ..... " MAYBE we'll talk sometime" :shock:

I know the text shouldn't have been sent (my bad) but giving he is getting ready to leave on his honeymoon. Why couldn't have my daughter waited?
Click to expand...

Well, I have to hope that one hasty text can't nullify the relationship with your son, especially since you had said "were good buddies and we do a lot together." ......give him some time to get over his initial emotions, I would think he is emotionally mature enough to realize we all make mistakes and deserve another chance, the fact that you two "do a lot together" would indicate a strong enough relationship that one hasty text sent in a moment of hurt emotion should not cause a permanent rift, but just a temporary time out for emotions to settle down.
 
GKL, I can't say enough to you as well as the rest for helping figure this all out, this forum is a blessing.

You asked:
I would think he is emotionally mature enough to realize we all make mistakes and deserve another chance
Click to expand...

Here is some insight as to who my children are; my daughter teaches psychology in a college university and my son is a police officer of the last 5 years.
I would think my children were mature enough and smart enough to see through all the bull sh**. !

I plan on giving them both time to calm down, as the time has served me well in this situation so far

I'm wondering if a word for word copy of this text help us all a bit. I have never deleted it from my phone and was just reading it again, and I kinda like to know what others feel as, I think I f**k up in a small way, maybe not.

I will change all names, but post word for word, if you all think it may help us all figure the situation out????
 
airhead said:
GKL, I can't say enough to you as well as the rest for helping figure this all out, this forum is a blessing.

You asked:


Here is some insight as to who my children are; my daughter teaches psychology in a college university and my son is a police officer of the last 5 years.
I would think my children were mature enough and smart enough to see through all the bull sh**. !

I plan on giving them both time to calm down, as the time has served me well in this situation so far

I'm wondering if a word for word copy of this text help us all a bit. I have never deleted it from my phone and was just reading it again, and I kinda like to know what others feel as, I think I f**k up in a small way, maybe not.

I will change all names, but post word for word, if you all think it may help us all figure the situation out????
Click to expand...

Well, your kids sound very educated, but it is possible for people to be intellectually smart but still be emotionally immature, can't say that is the case with your kids since I don't know them personally.

I think you are wise to give things time to settle down, it seems like it will be easier for things to mend with your son first since you had done a lot together in the past. Just my opinion, but I might let him be the first one to make a move to restore communications, that way you'll know he might be ready to get past all that.
 
I too was cheated on. Three different times with three different men. That's when I called it quits. My ex (now married) tries to talk !!!! about me to my daughter. Life is a constant feud with my ex because my daughter tells me everything now that she's older and knows her mother is lying. Now my daughter is with me often and we are very close. She and her mother are very distant now. But for years I had to bend over backwards to get a weekend with her.

I wish I could help your pain because I know the feelings you have. A few years back when my daughter wasn't coming around very much because of my ex. I felt at times I was going to have heart failure due to my stress. I'd get off the phone with my daughter because she'd say she was too busy to talk.

Don't give up but maybe give them their space to think what they're doing. I think you are in the right sharing your feelings and thoughts. I'm a true believer that you should be honest about how they make you feel. Hiding your feelings just makes you feel like !!!!. I know it from experience. You can only hope they see what this is doing to you and they care to help you feel wanted again. I know it's scary, thinking you may lose them forever but you can't just let this happen time and time again.

Good luck buddy.
 
The sad part is, that you have no control over what your wife says about you to your kids. We have to assume that she sheds a bad light? All you can do is be the best dad you know how, and try to only make positive comments about your ex. Reach out to them and tell them how much they mean to you, and that you love them. Good luck my friend....:yes: (My younger brother married a woman 4 years ago, who wanted nothing to do with our side of the family. It created such a schism, that I haven't had a relationship with my 2 brothers since. Family life can be very difficult......)
 
As I sit here and read every post, I amazed at the hearts you all have when it comes to a situation most men might not want to openly discuss.
All posts from everyone hit me in some small special way and I retain that info, as I move forward.

Yendor stated:

I felt at times I was going to have heart failure due to my stress.
Click to expand...

It's ironic, because 5 years after my divorces, I stated developing heart problems, and now, another 17 years later, I have suffered 2 strokes, as well as developing major heart problems.
I have had 3 oblations to me heart, and have had about at least a dozen cardioversions > (hit or zapped with those paddles, you know).
This past Sept 2016, I underwent open heart surgery, and at this time, all seems to be much better and I feel better too.
All these has forced me to because 100% disable at the age of 56 :shock:
 
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