Got a scare tonite.......still scared !!

Wom 27

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My mother in law is 95. I have dinner with her 3 or 4 notes a week in the cafeteria, to take some of the strain off my wife who dose laundry,dishes, doctors, and on and on.
So tonite was my nite. Let myself in and yell out "ready ?" " almost" she replies. I'm in the back. I turn the corner and she's standing there held up by her walker. All ready except for her pants !!! She had her diaper on, thank God, but no pants. Her hearing is going along with her site and lately, her mind.
What's so scarry you ask ? Every day I'm getting older ! Is this what's in store with my future ?? Thinking that this could be my future is scary,depressing, tiring and a dozen more bad things.
Mine was a family of 8 and things went smooth with my parents. My wife is all my m-in- law has. Me? My daughter moved to another state.
I guess it's time for serious thought about it all. Soyent Green is what keeps coming to mind.
One more thing. This is a great place to get things off your chest !
 
I buried my father in 2010 at age 82, and my mother in 2016 at age 97, and I know how you feel. We all want to live a long time, but one can live too long, in my opinion. Time can be very cruel to the human body. My only advice is to surround yourself with a lot of family, because in my experience, family members are the only ones that you can trust to have your best interests at heart. For all the smiling and BS that you get from nursing home staff and health care providers, you are just another patient, and no one special--you shouldn't trust them 100%. When it comes down to it, family is all you can trust.
 
My wife and I are caregivers for her mom who is 92 with dementia so we can relate, it's not easy sometimes, and there are no other relatives close by so there are no breaks or vacations from being a caregiver, but it's a labor of love.

Stay encouraged there are people who understand !
 
Before my mother passed I was in the same stress for months...my father who was also dealing with same stress was a little less stress when he passed. Was the worse year of my life but you get through it.

Your right makes me wonder also..but they were stronger then us before age took a toll.

If you don't have a helpline phone set up I sure would see about one.
They wear a bracelet and it knows if they have fallen and alert a caregiver or ambulance.

with dementia they just don't know
 
I buried my father in 2010 at age 82, and my mother in 2016 at age 97, and I know how you feel. We all want to live a long time, but one can live too long, in my opinion. Time can be very cruel to the human body. My only advice is to surround yourself with a lot of family, because in my experience, family members are the only ones that you can trust to have your best interests at heart. For all the smiling and BS that you get from nursing home staff and health care providers, you are just another patient, and no one special--you shouldn't trust them 100%. When it comes down to it, family is all you can trust.



Yes I hated dealing with some of the goverment staff and phoney smiles.
They would of just put them in any dump care center. We kept them at home
then a few days or weeks in a loving hospice where they died with dignity surrounded by family and friends.
 
My father is 96. Five years ago he was cutting brush with a brush axe on a hillside when he got he feet caught in vines and tumbled down the hill. He lay there with a broken leg and hip for a couple of hours, covered with fire ants. I just happened to go by their farm to check on them that day and went looking for him down in the woods. When I found him he was still mentally aware but in not good shape (amazingly enough, the fire ants didn't affect him at all - no welts, even). His hip can't be fixed because a war injury, so he is living with a broken hip, but still gets around painfully with a walker. The man's mental faculties are, seriously, as good or better than mine, but his body has betrayed him. He still takes care of my mother, who is mostly wheelchair bound, but also quite lucid. They are both 'ready to go' (their words), but blessed/cursed with 'good genes.' My daughter is getting married in a few months and her fiance's father died just last month. Mom and dad called him to offer their condolences. Future son-in-law said 'I wish you could have met him before he passed.' My mother, rather cheerfully, said 'Oh, we will meet him soon!' - rather disconcerting to future SIL, but shows their attitude. My father took care of my great aunt until she finally died three years ago at 109 - mainly because she just willed herself to die. So given my druthers, I think I'd rather either die suddenly, as my cousin (six years my junior) did this morning, or have my mind go before my body. Having a good mind in a ravaged body is no way to live. As you said, WOM, a great place to get things off your chest.
 
Like many of us here. We all care about our parents. You know they took care of us when we were young . Now It is our turn. There are 4 of us kids in our family. We all took turns staying with our parents 24 hours a day 7 days a week for 4 years till they passed away. Yes it is hard and takes all your time, but, what did they give us.
Good luck and thank them every day.

KEN :D
 
Definitely a difficult time for anyone. I know last March, my father passed. Got a call from my mother about 3 a.m. that he had fallen and was not responsive. I rushed over, breaking a few land speed records in the process, to find him on the floor. I think it was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do when I picked his lifeless body up off of the floor. He was so small, not a good memory. Just drove home that we are only here for a limited time. Nothing lasts forever. Wake up, hopefully make some sort of positive impact during the day, go to sleep and repeat. Somewhere in there find some happiness along the way.
 
Good on Ya Brother! Keep everybody Safe and Happy for as long as you can!....Look at the bright side, sooner or later, for all of us, pants are optional...
 
My Mother is 93 and was diagnosed with dementia 5 years ago. It has been a slow journey witnessing how terrible this disease is. My brother,sister and myself agreed to keep mom home, and it has been the right decision for us. We have been through two Managed Long Term Care providers and several aids for various reasons, i can not agree more with Crackerjack in that it is important to have family around to advocate for our parents who can no longer do it for themselves. As Ken Said, its what they did for us.

As a Newb to the hobby and to the forum I can't contribute much to MD'g discussions but yes I find both to be a much needed distraction and as you said a Great place to get things off your chest.

Good luck & Best wishes to all.

Chris
 
On the opposite end of the spectrum, there are families where only one child is willing to put in the effort to keep them out of the nursing home. That is what my mom and my sister are going through right now with my grandma. My grandma had four kids, and grandpas been dead for 20 years. The oldest child, my aunt, really just doesn't get along or like my grandma, so she isn't really willing to do much. My uncle lives far away, although to his credit he did take grandma in for 6 months when she had a stroke about 8 years ago. Still, we took in my grandma for a total of 32 months over the last 5 years.

And then we get to my youngest aunt. To put it nicely, she is flipping crazy! There was a time when she got addicted to pain killers for a while, but from what I understand she eventually got off them. Still, she is one of those people whos mind runs 100 mph a minute, and is opinionated about everything (negative opinions). On top of this, she also seems to like to sabotage my mom and sister's efforts to help grandma. Example: this Christmas my aunt got my grandma candles for Christmas, AFTER my mom had told everyone that grandma cant have candles because she tries to light them and then forgets about them. Its a safety issue. Even after knowing this, my aunt got her a candle, as if to somehow spite my mother.:mad: This aunt has also made it a point to call my grandma on certain days when she KNOWS/ HAS BEEN TOLD REPEATEDLY by my mom not to because my mom is an online teacher and is giving live sessions to her students and doesn't want grandma yelling into the phone to talk with her. Needless to say, my aunts ridiculousness has caused even more problems in the family than there already are with my grandmas health.

What I'm trying to say is this, its great that some of you guys and gals that have gone through/ are going through this are getting the family support that it takes to do it at home and not send them to a nursing home at some point, but unfortunately that is not the way it ends up in many cases. In my families case, there is just no support. My mother and sister are stuck in the house everyday because they don't feel safe leaving her alone. They feel that my grandma is ungrateful for the help they are giving, and from what I have seen (I don't live on this side of the country) that about sums it up. My grandma can be a very negative person (like my crazy aunt), and her negativity/ungreatfulness is often aimed at my mom and sister. My two aunts literally live 20 minutes away, but they never offer to give my mom and sister a break. All of my cousins that live nearby are always like "You two are doing a great job!" but offer no help.So the question basically becomes, why should my mother and sister have to live through this with no help from family? My sister is in her mid-20s and has no social life whatsoever... she doesn't even hang out with our cousins, because she has to help watch my grandma. My sister is at the point in her life where she should be dating or at least going out and making friends! Hell, how many woman do we all know who are 25 who are already married and/or with kids? My sister just doesn't have that opportunity right now, even if she wanted it. At this point my mother is up every morning at 4 AM and goes to bed at 10 PM. My sister covers the watch from 1 PM every day to 3 AM every morning. This is no way to live.

I know this is a rant, and some may say that I or my mother and sister are being selfish or some bull cra p, but like I said, without family support this sort of thing gets depressing for the people are having to do it alone and get no break... Nursing homes begin to feel more and more tempting in this sort of situation.
 
On the opposite end of the spectrum, there are families where only one child is willing to put in the effort to keep them out of the nursing home. That is what my mom and my sister are going through right now with my grandma. My grandma had four kids, and grandpas been dead for 20 years. The oldest child, my aunt, really just doesn't get along or like my grandma, so she isn't really willing to do much. My uncle lives far away, although to his credit he did take grandma in for 6 months when she had a stroke about 8 years ago. Still, we took in my grandma for a total of 32 months over the last 5 years.

And then we get to my youngest aunt. To put it nicely, she is flipping crazy! There was a time when she got addicted to pain killers for a while, but from what I understand she eventually got off them. Still, she is one of those people whos mind runs 100 mph a minute, and is opinionated about everything (negative opinions). On top of this, she also seems to like to sabotage my mom and sister's efforts to help grandma. Example: this Christmas my aunt got my grandma candles for Christmas, AFTER my mom had told everyone that grandma cant have candles because she tries to light them and then forgets about them. Its a safety issue. Even after knowing this, my aunt got her a candle, as if to somehow spite my mother.:mad: This aunt has also made it a point to call my grandma on certain days when she KNOWS/ HAS BEEN TOLD REPEATEDLY by my mom not to because my mom is an online teacher and is giving live sessions to her students and doesn't want grandma yelling into the phone to talk with her. Needless to say, my aunts ridiculousness has caused even more problems in the family than there already are with my grandmas health.

What I'm trying to say is this, its great that some of you guys and gals that have gone through/ are going through this are getting the family support that it takes to do it at home and not send them to a nursing home at some point, but unfortunately that is not the way it ends up in many cases. In my families case, there is just no support. My mother and sister are stuck in the house everyday because they don't feel safe leaving her alone. They feel that my grandma is ungrateful for the help they are giving, and from what I have seen (I don't live on this side of the country) that about sums it up. My grandma can be a very negative person (like my crazy aunt), and her negativity/ungreatfulness is often aimed at my mom and sister. My two aunts literally live 20 minutes away, but they never offer to give my mom and sister a break. All of my cousins that live nearby are always like "You two are doing a great job!" but offer no help.So the question basically becomes, why should my mother and sister have to live through this with no help from family? My sister is in her mid-20s and has no social life whatsoever... she doesn't even hang out with our cousins, because she has to help watch my grandma. My sister is at the point in her life where she should be dating or at least going out and making friends! Hell, how many woman do we all know who are 25 who are already married and/or with kids? My sister just doesn't have that opportunity right now, even if she wanted it. At this point my mother is up every morning at 4 AM and goes to bed at 10 PM. My sister covers the watch from 1 PM every day to 3 AM every morning. This is no way to live.

I know this is a rant, and some may say that I or my mother and sister are being selfish or some bull cra p, but like I said, without family support this sort of thing gets depressing for the people are having to do it alone and get no break... Nursing homes begin to feel more and more tempting in this sort of situation.

It's good to talk about it, there are people on the forum who can relate to your situation.

It's sad when there are not other family members to at least pitch in and give the regular caregiver some days off occasionally. You have to be careful you don't feel overwhelmed and it stresses you out and affects your health.

My wife and I have been caregivers for her mom (92 with dementia) for about 7 years now without ever having a break. What helps is that it is not all on one person, my wife dresses and bathes her, cleans her up when she messes her pants, puts her to bed at night, I take care of fixing all her meals and making sure she takes her meds and has enough to drink. So it makes it easier to handle dividing up the responsibilities, but my wife and I are limited in that we both can't be away from home for too long at a time, her mom is okay for about an hour or so but we try to be back within about an hour an a half when we go shopping. I have an indoor camera set up so we can watch her on our smartphones when we are out of the house for a very short while.

Her mom has 4 sons and 2 daughters (including my wife) they all live in other states, out of her 4 sons 2 of them never call her, one son might call a couple times a year, one son calls about once a month on average, the other daughter usually calls about once a week. In the 7 years we have had my wife's mom only the other daughter has visited one time for a few days a few years ago.

Stay encouraged and don't let it stress you out, it can be tough at times but it is a labor of love.
 
No right or wrong every family has to decide, but don't take shortcuts if can be avoided family should be together in good and not so good times.

Cherish every moment your with family and friends for life can quickly turn on a dime and give us change.
 
It's good to talk about it, there are people on the forum who can relate to your situation.

It's sad when there are not other family members to at least pitch in and give the regular caregiver some days off occasionally. You have to be careful you don't feel overwhelmed and it stresses you out and affects your health.

My wife and I have been caregivers for her mom (92 with dementia) for about 7 years now without ever having a break. What helps is that it is not all on one person, my wife dresses and bathes her, cleans her up when she messes her pants, puts her to bed at night, I take care of fixing all her meals and making sure she takes her meds and has enough to drink. So it makes it easier to handle dividing up the responsibilities, but my wife and I are limited in that we both can't be away from home for too long at a time, her mom is okay for about an hour or so but we try to be back within about an hour an a half when we go shopping. I have an indoor camera set up so we can watch her on our smartphones when we are out of the house for a very short while.

Her mom has 4 sons and 2 daughters (including my wife) they all live in other states, out of her 4 sons 2 of them never call her, one son might call a couple times a year, one son calls about once a month on average, the other daughter usually calls about once a week. In the 7 years we have had my wife's mom only the other daughter has visited one time for a few days a few years ago.

Stay encouraged and don't let it stress you out, it can be tough at times but it is a labor of love.
Cameras sounds like a great idea !l thanks !!!!
 
Great replies however my worry is How do we plan for our own old age especially if we're not rich ? The type of help we need is very costly. And we are spending money that we may very well need ourselves in the not so distant future .
 
Cameras sounds like a great idea !l thanks !!!!

Here's the camera I got for indoor use, so far it's been working good, it picks up sound and has night vision too, I liked this model because they not only have apps for android and ios phones but also windows phones which we use.

There are both positive and negative reviews so all I can say it has been working fine for us.

D-Link HD Wi-Fi Camera (DCS-936L) (indoor only)

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01HO9XZR4/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o08_s00

We also have an outdoor camera set up -

Hikvision DS-2CD2342WD-I 4MM

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01A6NN4ZI/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o03_s00
 
Nursing home insurance has been my parents best investment. Dad had promised Mom he would take care of her in their home as long as he could, but after a couple of incidents of her not knowing who he was and becoming terrified of the strange man in her house they both moved into assisted living. That lasted about 6 months and Mom went to the "Memory Center" Dad went to a senior living apartment in the same complex. Dad might as well have a time card as much as he helps out at the center. My sister lives close and has a job with enough flexibility that she can help out a bunch. I'm 600 miles away and make it up there 2 or 3 times a year. We had a hard time convincing Dad that he was taking care of Mom by making sure she was in a good place. He still won't take a day off from his twice a day visit, but he has started to attend some community college and historical society functions. Mom's well taken care of, she has her own room in a pod with 10 others in similar circumstances. It's an interesting place, most don't know where they are but during church they don't miss a word of "Amazing Grace".
Dad's not poor but if it wasn't for the nursing home insurance, the last 4 years would have made him poor.
Alzheimers is such a cruel disease, as rough as it is for the patient after a certain point, I think it's rougher on the loved ones. I talk to Mom every Sunday but it's been over a year since we have had a conversation that was more than babbling. The occasional good days are gone, but she is happy and content most of the time. I miss my Mom so much.
 
Great replies however my worry is How do we plan for our own old age especially if we're not rich ? The type of help we need is very costly. And we are spending money that we may very well need ourselves in the not so distant future .


Do some research and find an attorney or law firm that specializes in estate planning. You will need to execute some legal documents. Contact a life insurance agent that you trust, and review your needs. Contact your local mortuary and plan your funeral, burial/cremation/memorial service. The more of these things that you do ahead of time can really take a huge burden off of your survivors.

Ditto on the Long Term Care (LTC)/nursing home insurance! Nursing home care is outrageously expensive, and will impoverish a family quickly. You don't want to end up on Medic Aid LTC, believe me. The nursing home my mother was in didn't seem to like having patients on Medic Aid LTC--lots of government red tape and doesn't pay them much. Care may suffer.
 
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