Myers Depot Metal Detectors

ENDED Funniest joke wins a Merc;Ends Friday, March 11th at 7:00 PM CST

Here's one for you cheese heads:D

Why do cows have hooves and not feet? Because they lactose...

Shoulda used that one for your pun contest but I just herd it the other day. lol
 
Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?'
 
A man carried a large bag of dog food to the checkout counter at the grocery store.

The clerk said " Thats a lot of dog food , you must have a really big dog ."

The man said .. " No Im back on a dog food diet again , last time I used it I lost a lot of weight. Its nutritionally complete , just keep some in your pocket and eat some when you get hungry. Though , I probably shouldnt since I wound up in the hospital the last time."

The clerk said .." Did you get sick from the dog food ? "

The man said .." No , I stepped off the curb to smell a poodles butt and was hit by a bus. "
 
ohiochris said:
A man carried a large bag of dog food to the checkout counter at the grocery store.

The clerk said " Thats a lot of dog food , you must have a really big dog ."

The man said .. " No Im back on a dog food diet again , last time I used it I lost a lot of weight. Its nutritionally complete , just keep some in your pocket and eat some when you get hungry. Though , I probably shouldnt since I wound up in the hospital the last time."

The clerk said .." Did you get sick from the dog food ? "

The man said .." No , I stepped off the curb to smell a poodles butt and was hit by a bus. "
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HAHAHA :laughing:
 
Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: who just threw that?!?!
Boy: Me! I’m going home now!
 
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me "You're next!". They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
 
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?"


Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we have our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I lead these people from the dark, check to make sure I don't miss any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one takes advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is right there.....
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

All cats...
"Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

All of which proves, once again, that while dogs have masters, cats have staff.
 
A Blonde is watching the news with her husband one night when the newscaster said,

"Earlier today three Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying and says to her husband while sobbing

"That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused the husband replies "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and they knew there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says,

"... So how many is a Brazilian?"
 
Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, "There is a easy way to get what you want." The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret." The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!" The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10." The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!" The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15." The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!" The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"
 
A man is jumping up and down on a manhole cover shouting "42! 42! 42! 42!" over and over again. Another man comes up to him and says "Why are you jumping on that manhole?"
The man looks at him grinning broadly and says "Its good exercise but its great fun! Try it!."
The second man stands on the manhole and starts to jump up and down on the manhole. After a while he's jumping quite high and suddenly the first man whips up the manhole cover and the second man plunges into the sewer.
The first man puts the manhole cover back and starts to jump up and down shouting "43! 43!...."
 
TorqueMaster said:
A priest and a Rabbi are sitting on a park bench. Nope, can't tell that one.

Pierre was a famous French fighter pilot. Nope, can't tell that one.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? The p is silent. :)

I'd rather have that Ford, than the Merc. ;)
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Sorry, just the Merc on this contest!
 
Still choosing the winner!
I gotta be honest, we are rolling on the floor.
I have heard a lot of jokes in my 47 years, but over 90% of these are new to me - great stuff everybody:yes:
 
bobda said:
A bear and a rabbit are sitting next to each other in the woods taking a poop.
The bear looks at the rabbit and asks "Hey, do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?" The rabbit simply replies "No". So the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his butt with it. (you can replace "poop" and "butt" for the adult version):lol:
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Porsche914 said:
an Amish drive by shooting.:laughing:
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TorqueMaster said:
A priest and a Rabbi are sitting on a park bench. Nope, can't tell that one.

Pierre was a famous French fighter pilot. Nope, can't tell that one.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? The p is silent. :)

I'd rather have that Ford, than the Merc. ;)
Click to expand...


Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a winner!
Actually, we could not decide, so we have three winners.
Congratulations to Bobda, TorqueMaster and Porsche914:dingding:

Please send me your addresses via PM and I will send each of you a Mercury dime.
This was awesome, lots of great humor out there
 
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