The Joke Thread
- Thread starter DashHopes
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DashHopes
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A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window. For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
The Bagpipe Player,,
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
DashHopes
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For those who love a good bad joke...
" One day there were three tomatoes walking down the street, a mama tomato, a daddy tomato and a baby tomato. Baby tomato is walking too slowly, so the daddy tomato goes back, steps on him and says 'ketchup!' "
" One day there were three tomatoes walking down the street, a mama tomato, a daddy tomato and a baby tomato. Baby tomato is walking too slowly, so the daddy tomato goes back, steps on him and says 'ketchup!' "
GeneralQuarters
Elite Member
Now that's funnny!
JWalker3
Forum Supporter
The Campanologists (Bell Ringers)
Quasimodo was the famous hunch back of Notre Dame. After his death, the bishop of his Cathedral sent word through the streets of Paris that he needed a new bell ringer.
The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and so he went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he shook his head - none were as good as Quasimodo.
Just as the bishop was leaving, a man with no arms approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. 'But, you have no arms!'
'No matter', said the man. 'Observe!' And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the bells. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo
But suddenly, rushing forward to head the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window. Sadly, he died on the the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to the armless man. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop, who was this man?'
'I don't know his name', the bishop sadly replied, 'but his face rings a bell.'
Part 2
The next day, despite the sadness of the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you will honour my brother's life by allowing me to replace him as your esteemed bell ringer'.
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
A monk, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. 'What has happened? Who is this man?' the monk asked breathlessly.
'I don't know his name', sighed the distraught bishop, but......
'He's was a dead ringer for his brother'.
Quasimodo was the famous hunch back of Notre Dame. After his death, the bishop of his Cathedral sent word through the streets of Paris that he needed a new bell ringer.
The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and so he went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he shook his head - none were as good as Quasimodo.
Just as the bishop was leaving, a man with no arms approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. 'But, you have no arms!'
'No matter', said the man. 'Observe!' And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the bells. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo
But suddenly, rushing forward to head the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window. Sadly, he died on the the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to the armless man. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop, who was this man?'
'I don't know his name', the bishop sadly replied, 'but his face rings a bell.'
Part 2
The next day, despite the sadness of the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you will honour my brother's life by allowing me to replace him as your esteemed bell ringer'.
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
A monk, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. 'What has happened? Who is this man?' the monk asked breathlessly.
'I don't know his name', sighed the distraught bishop, but......
'He's was a dead ringer for his brother'.
zeemang
Forum Supporter
There was a new doctor working at a psychiatric hospital walking down the hall with his colleagues and he hears a group of patients in one room chanting "31 31 31". The doctor stops and puts his eye up to the door to see what the heck is happening inside and a finger pokes out and hits him in the eye! Everyone inside starts chanting "32 32 32".....
zeemang
Forum Supporter
local joke:
An American woman visiting Mexico was driving down a country road on her way to see some ruins. She sees this young boy who couldn't be more than 12 years old walking along the side of the road pulling an enormous bull by a short rope walking along stubbornly behind him.
Out of curiosity the lady pulls over and asks the boy "What are you doing walking with this huge bull?" To which the boy responds " I'm taking this bull down to another farm so he can impregnate a few cows for the owner." The lady, thinking of the boys struggle, asks the boy "Couldn't your father do this?" To which the young boy looks at her sheepishly and responds" No mam, it has to be the bull'....
An American woman visiting Mexico was driving down a country road on her way to see some ruins. She sees this young boy who couldn't be more than 12 years old walking along the side of the road pulling an enormous bull by a short rope walking along stubbornly behind him.
Out of curiosity the lady pulls over and asks the boy "What are you doing walking with this huge bull?" To which the boy responds " I'm taking this bull down to another farm so he can impregnate a few cows for the owner." The lady, thinking of the boys struggle, asks the boy "Couldn't your father do this?" To which the young boy looks at her sheepishly and responds" No mam, it has to be the bull'....
Awendaw
Forum Supporter
A baby seal walked into a club...
Rudy
Admin
Upper Management Training
A native American walks into a cafe with a shotgun in
one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other and
says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, coming right up." He gets the native
American a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one
gulp, the native American turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
then just walks out.
The next morning the man returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling
another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says
to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
The native American smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management
position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day."
A native American walks into a cafe with a shotgun in
one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other and
says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, coming right up." He gets the native
American a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one
gulp, the native American turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
then just walks out.
The next morning the man returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling
another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says
to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
The native American smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management
position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day."
an old man who was extremely cheap and loved his money more than anything else in the world called his wife over one day and said "promise me when I die that you'll bury me with all my money I want to take it all with me " the wife thought about it for a while but finally agreed that she would comply with his demands. a few months later the old man fall's ill ends up in the hospital and eventually dies .at the funeral the women say's good buy to her husband .they close the lid , lower the casket into the ground . on the way home the old woman's friend had to ask 'did you really bury that old miser with all that money and the widow replied sure I did, I deposited the money in the bank .and wrote him a check 
DashHopes
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Two guys are standing in line to enter heaven. One turned around and asked the other how he died. "I froze to death. How about you?" "I had a heart attack." "How did that happen?" "Well, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So after work I went straight home. I ran upstairs to find my wife sleeping by herself. Then I ran back downstairs and looked in all the hiding spots. When I was running back up the stairs, I had a heart attack." "That's ironic." "Why?" "If you would've looked in the freezer, we'd both be alive."
I could swear I posted my joke about the one-legged girl at the bar.
Her name is Eileen
Her name is Eileen
papaharley03
Forum Supporter
So this termite walks into a bar and asks, "Where's the bartender?"
Rudy
Admin
Wrong way Charlie
A senior citizen was driving down the freeway when his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Charlie, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Charlie, It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
A senior citizen was driving down the freeway when his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Charlie, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Charlie, It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Soonerdg
Full Member
Two blondes walk into a bar.....you'd think one of them would have seen it.
Rudy
Admin
Women drivers!!!!!!!
This story is something to consider when you are driving around:
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan Magazine, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one or two females that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give one the finger? ...... I think not.
This story is something to consider when you are driving around:
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan Magazine, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one or two females that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give one the finger? ...... I think not.
hawgdawg
Forum Supporter
Thats a pretty complicated deduction to come up with within 5 seconds of being run up on the sidewalk , but one well worth remembering ,,,
metalwrkr
Senior Member
One morning as Spring was spreading across the land, a Daddy Mole stuck his head out of the shallow burrow. "Mmmm", he said, "I smell honey". The Mommy Mole stuck her head out and said "Mmmm, I smell honey too". The Baby Mole, hopping around at the bottom of the shallow hole, cried out "All I can smell is molasses"! .................................Sorry, couldn't help it!
